SPORT
Australia lose Ashes: Chelsea to blame

by Craig Turp
October 2005

It’s either global warming or Chelsea; the blame for Australia’s crushing defeat in this summer’s Ashes series can be laid squarely at the door of either scapegoat. Global warming because, well, that’s what we blame every mishap, misadventure and mistake in our world on these days, and Chelsea because, well, that’s what we blame when global warming is out of town. And in this case, what with the Ashes being a sporting contest, Chelsea would appear to be the scapegoat par jours.

It does not in fact take much of a leap of imagination to make Chelsea a genuinely convincing scapegoat. You see, Chelsea’s dominance of English football has made football in England boring (opinion copyright all English newspapers). The English public has rejected football in droves, turning to cricket. This extra support and national fervour pushed England’s cricketers to perform new miracles against Australia, thus taking the Ashes. Ergo Australia’s defeat is Chelsea’s fault.

You may think I am kidding, but given some of the anti-Chelsea press these past few weeks you will forgive me. Chelsea’s only crime is to be successful. As I write they come off the back of seven straight wins in the English league, are already 10 points ahead of Manchester United, 11 of Arsenal and 14 ahead of Liverpool. The league has been decided before the cricket season is over. And according to the press it is all Chelsea’s fault.

This is unfair. Chelsea may be wealthy, successful and universally hated for it, but Arsenal selling their best player, Manchester United losing at home to Blackburn, or Liverpool failing to score for five games on the spin has nothing to do with Chelsea: they cannot be blamed for everyone else going backwards. And this is to say nothing of Everton’s 5-1 thrashing at the hands of Dinamo, which the local boys thoroughly deserved.

Another charge levelled at Chelsea is that they are boring. All sorts of rent-a-mouths have said their methods are negative, and they do not entertain. This is ludicrous. Football teams are in the business of winning. As a supporter I want my team (which is, I have to admit, Chelsea) to win. I am entertained by victory. Those supporters who suggest otherwise are the supporters of lesser teams.

What they must remember is that their time will come. Football, like all sport, is cyclical. Invincible as the Australian cricket team once was, we knew their time would end (though not perhaps quite so soon). Likewise, Chelsea will not dominate English football forever. Though I will enjoy myself while they do; all the more so knowing how much others want them to fail.

Craig Turp edits Bucharest in your Pocket.