Vivid PREDICTS
What will really happen
in Romania in 2005?
by Barry Kolodkin
February 2005
Among many New Year's rites include
predictions for the upcoming year by commentators in the public spotlight.
Often these predictions concerning politics, economics, and society are flawed
by the ''paralysis of analysis.'' Read the following set of analysis-free
predictions if you want to learn what will really happen in Romania in 2005.
• The EU, Nato, and OSCE all propose to subordinate their decision making
to the Bucharest-Washington-London axis. President Jacques Chirac of France
declares, ''Those guys have the best intentions. It’s just easier if
we leave everything up to them.''
• Seizing an opportunity, McDonald’s expands aggressively in Romania
in early 2005 by hiring newly idle and unemployed TSD (PSD Youth) members
previously expecting Secretary of State positions with the government.
• The dramatic introduction of the new flat tax programme combined with
the ubiquitous display of President Basescu’s comb-over hairstyle during
the election campaign leads to a large investment in Romania early in the
year by the American hair transplant giant, Hair Club for Men.
• Realitatea TV, OTV, and NN decide that the three tickers at the bottom
of the screen, a clock, and a logo are not sufficiently distracting, and elect
to eliminate all video images from their broadcasts to adopt an ''all ticker,
all the time'' format.
• Miron Cozma, unbeknownst to the Romanian public, played the game Monopoly
during his one day of freedom in 2004 and uses the ''Get Out of Jail Free''
card to secure his freedom in 2005.
• By April, USAID, EU, and other donor organisations realise the error
of their ways and refocus all of their funding for the development of 'competitiveness
clusters' in the erotic massage industry.
• The battle for PSD party supremacy between the factions of former
President Iliescu and former Prime Minister Nastase will be decided on live
television through competition on ''Ciao, Darwin.'' In the event of a tie,
the two PSD titans will square off one-on-one on ''Un Barbat Adevarat.''
• A mass exodus of Western do-gooders will ensue this spring as Romania’s
economic growth continues to soar. One group of development workers explained,
''We thought this place was going to be rough but it’s not. If we can’t
complain about what goods we can’t get here, or brag to our friends
back home about what kind of squalor we live in, what’s the point?''
• Sales of the Dacia Logan continue to surpass all 2005 forecasts until
midyear when it is revealed that its protection from carbon monoxide fumes
by enabling a constant circulation of fresh air produces the far more threatening
curent causing headaches, earaches, back aches, tennis elbow, lumbago,
the bends, appendicitis and general panic attacks throughout Romania.
• PUR, convinced that neither the Alianta nor the PSD can effectively
govern Romania, negotiates to form an alliance with Victor Yushchenko’s
victorious party in Ukraine. PUR Party President Dan Voiculescu claims, ''Being
associated with a winner should not be obfuscated by trivialities such as
national borders. Besides, I’ve got a really good pair of orange pyjamas.''
• Corneliu Vadim Tudor completes his renouncement of his anti-Semitic
ways and studies Kabbalah with Madonna. Vadim says of his spiritual renewal,
''I feel … like a virgin … touched for the very first time.''
• Panic envelops the Romanian hip-hop community this summer when visiting
MTV executives from the US inform Romanian rappers that they are not and will
never be African Americans from New York.
• Desirous of closing Romania’s perception gap with Bulgaria regarding
progress on EU-related reforms, as of 1st September, the government offers
fiscal incentives to stimulate the Romanian organised crime sector. Of course,
incentives will only be available at the regional level to ensure that they
are not interpreted as 'state aid.'
• Inspired by analogous efforts by the Governor of California, Arnold
Schwarzenegger, former President Iliescu seeks a change to the Romanian constitution
to remove the limits on the presidential mandate and the requirement that
the president be a living person. ''I will run this country when I’m
dead better than any of these other corrupt incompetents,'' claims Iliescu.
• A bold campaign aimed at raising Romania's national identity and awareness
culminates in Romania invading Moldova. President Basescu brings the pop group
Hansen out of semi-retirement to pen a new national anthem which is subsequently
played five times a day throughout the country. Basescu's first gesture of
reconciliation aimed at reuniting the two territories is to present a sit-on
lawnmower to every Moldovan, be they man, woman or child.
• By the end of 2005, there will be at least one article written in
a newspaper or magazine by an expatriate or a Romanian who has lived overseas
that will actually be unequivocally positive about Romania’s progress
as a society.
