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Postcard from Molvania

by Toby Smith
February 2005

I’m right in the middle of Molvania, which in truth is page 87.

It's quite possible you've never heard of Molvania, a land untouched by modern dentistry. Regrettably, this Eastern European country is difficult to find on a world atlas. Molvania, you may be surprised to learn, squats near Moldova and Romania, alarmingly close to the latter, in fact.

I awoke this morning in a Molvanian country inn, a quaint place, which means rats are encouraged to dine with the guests. I was immediately given a glass of zeerstrum, or garlic brandy, traditionally served for breakfast in many parts of this landlocked nation.

Yesterday I toured Molvania’s eastern steppes, more specifically the city of Bardjov, where the savvy shopper can find sleek, leather-looking jackets made entirely of recycled automobile seats.

Later today I leave for Lutenblag, where I am going to try to get in some tennis. The historic Royal Lutenblag Tennis Club was extensively damaged during the war but has since been reopened. I’ve heard that players there must periodically check a court for unexploded land mines.

As you’ve probably guessed, I’ve had some trouble with the language here. Since my arrival in Molvania I’ve struggled mightily with zlkavszka (hello) and grovzsgo (goodbye). However, I’m happy to report that, after several days of practice, I’ve just about got my tongue around the oft-used phrase of Sprufki doh craszko? (What is that smell?)

Molvanians love eating out - preferably in France or Germany. But some native dishes are wildly popular, especially horsflab, a pickled meat delicacy. McDonald’s, Burger King and KFC are everywhere, of course, but they were only installed after a protracted fight to keep them out, which finally resulted in compromise. It seems that all fast-food products sold at these outlets must contain 12 per cent local cabbage, except for milkshakes, which require just ten per cent.

If you’re interested in visiting Molvania, but can’t take the month’s time required to absorb this forgotten jewel, a quick and affordable means of discovering the country is to purchase the paperback Molvania. This Jetlag Travel Guide is vaguely similar but vastly more entertaining than anything churned out by the Lonely Planet or Rough Guide folks.

You can order the 176-page book from amazon.com for only $8.75, a sum that just happens to be the average Molvanian’s monthly wage. The publisher is Hardie Grant Books. Clever fellows they, even for Aussies. You can reach them at www.hardiegrant.com

As the charming people of Molvania say, Krokystrokiskiaskya! (See you again, soon).