Q: Hello, it's me again, Bogdan. How are you? I'm fine. God hasn't been communicating with me lately, for some reason, but when he gets back in touch I will pass on any messages to you. I know, Jesus hasn't come, not yet, so it was a false alarm, or it was to test my faith, as the faith of the first Christians was tried by the wicked Romans. Have you seen The Passion of the Christ? It's a great film. But that's not what I wanted to ask you about. It's my feet, they have swollen up and the skin is red and sensitive and it hurts when I walk. It has something to do with my habit of dancing in puddles. Splish, splash, splosh! I just love it. And my dog, St Paul, just sits there and smiles while I do it. Have you any tips? I don't want to give up puddle dancing (as I call it).
Bogdan, Ploiesti
A: I'm fine too, thanks. Please do pass on any news from on high, we need all the help we can get. No, I haven't seen The Passion of the Christ, but have seen Planet of the Apes, which is also long. As for your feet, I believe you are suffering from trench foot, named after what happened to first world war soldiers after they stood in puddles for too long. As for puddle dancing, perhaps I could suggest that you wear rubber boots or other waterproof protection. There will be no decrease in sensation and the ìpuddle dancingî experience should be just as intense. St Paul shouldn't find it any less amusing either. However, if you find the waterproof option spoils the whole thing for you, you could perhaps dry your feet when you get home with a clean towel, and sprinkle on a bit of talcum powder. Please take care of yourself Bogdan. You are a very special person.
Q: A friend from America called me recently saying he wants me to host his Romanian girlfriend in my apartment for three weeks, until he gets here and they get a place together. I don't even know the girl. She lives in another town and has trouble with her family and apparently has no place to go. And no money of her own. But it gets stranger. He met her last summer in Vama Veche. He was drunk (not unusual) and they spoke for six minutes (his estimate) and exchanged emails. He was chasing other women at the time (a major hobby of his) and didn't follow it up until months later he was in California sorting through his papers, found her address and mailed her. Subsequently he spent $1,400 on phone calls to her, ìtalking about nothing, basicallyî (his words). Now he is coming to Romania to take photographs for a porno mag which is looking for ìnew facesî (his words again) and they are going to shack up. In view of the oddness of this story, and the simple fact that I don't want to host this stranger, I said she could not stay with me. He is very upset with me, says I should trust his friends, help him out, that kind of thing. Have I been too cautious? He's a bit of a nut, but he's a good guy and I feel kind of bad about it.
Juan, Vitan
A: Don't. A good friend can ask you for a big favour, but if he's really such a good friend he can deal with it if it doesn't suit you to grant it. Every relationship has limitations, and it's just as well, or the selfish and weak and stupid would control the generous and capable and smart, and the world would be a bigger mess than it already is. If he wants to take responsibility for this girl's accommodation, that is fine. Let him do just that. Without dumping his responsibility on others. If he can rack up a phone bill of $1,400, he can wire her enough to get by until he arrives.
Q: My (Romanian) girlfriend frequently calls me a taran irlandez (Irish peasant). At first I thought this was a reference to my rural roots, but have since learned that this is some kind of insult. She generally says it when I fart in bed, or things like that. But I'm a bit confused, because I have visited the countryside here, and the people seemed very nice. Can you explain?
Eamonn, Bucharest
A: Yes, a taran is literally someone from the country, but this also carries a pejorative sense, much like the word ëpeasant' in English. If you break wind in bed, you can be sure your girlfriend is not trying to initiate a conversation about crop rotation cycles in Ireland, or soil types. But you are right, the word taran is used very oddly. In Romania, people from Bucharest are frequently tarani, while our real tarani are relatively kind and well mannered.
